The End is The Beginning

My blog. I'm proud of it and I connect with people in a way that would normally be impossible. The whole world is my chatty next-door neighbor. There is an amazing group of creatives out there and it's incredible that I'm now a part of it.

I started out wanting to be creative. Do something I had been denying myself for too long. The normal story of not having enough time to do something that doesn't involve housework, work, or family kept me from paying attention to my own need to create beauty. Paint something, build something, write something. Maybe show it to the world. Then, the creativity dream morphed into something else entirely. I'll explain in my hugely verbose way - stay with me if you have some time.

All my life I've been a rule-follower. Following rules was safe and having a plan meant if something went wrong, it was because the plan was wrong; not me or my ideas. Always doing what's expected with random flashes of rebellion where I allowed myself to go 'off-script'.  During those periods of rebellion, I took chances. There was always a build up to a rebellion; usually a lot of sadness, anger, and a bit of depression. After some time wallowing, I would finally work up the courage to allow myself to do something. What that something was is irrelevant; it was the act of doing something out of my normal M.O. that was the release; my little F-U to the 'world' (the world that didn't care if I did 'it' in the first place.) I was my own worst enemy.

What would happen next was usually a return to my safe, rule-following ways. Go-along-to-get-along was how I lived existed. Most people can see objectively this is not a good way to live one's best life. Existing in my personal bubble of making sure everyone else is taken care of, happy, and doesn't need anything at all...all the while only occasionally doing something for myself. Doing something for myself  became something bad - oy vey! And don't misunderstand - I can stand up for myself and I could be a complete bitch on wheels, but that only happened if there was some gross injustice, not because of the daily wearing down of my spirit.

Soooooo...after much sadness, anger, and a bit of depression, I started letting myself 'be creative'. Full of ideas and plans for becoming an 'artist'. This is what I wanted and I was going to do it dammit.  I started a painting, started a book, started an Etsy shop, a blog, started a whole new life designed to be fulfilling.

What happened was not part of the plan. Chasing blog success became the focus instead of chasing my dreams. The push for followers, to create more and more projects, to write more posts, to read more blogs, to join as many linked parties and other promotional avenues as possible was taking over. I couldn't find the balance, couldn't do it halfway and I lost my creative spark. If I did something, it was somewhat half-hearted and just 'for the blog'. It became work and therefore I've decided the blog will not be my priority for the moment.

I thank each and all of my readers, and I'm not going away. My goal is to continue to find fun, junky things and respect them as-is or upcycle them if they need it. Projects will be captured in photos and shared in posts, hopefully while being entertaining. I'll continue to read and comment on awesome blogs. I can do all that on my own schedule and have fun figuring out what works and what doesn't.

I have this amazing opportunity to do whatever it is that strikes my fancy at any given moment and I will personally smack myself upside the head if I go off on a tangent again.